Realistic Resolutions

New year, new you, new episodes streaming on Netflix. Everyone wants to become a better person this year, but in order to really make a change, you’ve got to be realistic. Here are some common New Year’s resolutions, adapted for the busy, late-night lifestyle of a college student.

I resolve to eat healthy. Instead of getting three scoops when the dining hall has a sundae station, I will only get two. And no whipped cream (if it’s a full moon). I will no longer count jello as a “green thing” on my plate. I will not conveniently hide salad under my fries and then “forget” about it and be “too full already.”

I resolve to work-out more. I will take the stairs every day (that I am wearing appropriate shoes, and the elevator is broken). I will find out where the gym is located on campus and consider doing something with this information. I will look at the list of intramural sports offered, and will not laugh out loud when I picture myself doing one of them.

I resolve to learn a new language. I will sometimes put subtitles on while I watch Netflix. I will wander down the language section of Barnes and Noble, and will actually pick up a book. I will put my phone on a different language so that when I get driving directions I am learning, until I get frustrated, forget how to change it back, and decide to get an Uber instead.

I resolve to do better in school. When I fall asleep in the library, I will set a timer for 20 minutes, because that is, apparently, the optimal amount to nap, according to scientists. I resolve to find out who these mysterious scientists are who know so much about napping, and then see if I can take their job, because I am so qualified. I resolve to start my essays earlier than the night before, if I remember and haven’t lost the assignment sheet. I will ask my friends for another copy of the assignment sheet, instead of the professor.

I resolve to read more. I will no longer judge a book by its cover. I will also judge it by the color of the actual book once you take the paper cover off. I will stand in front of the literary fiction section with my chin on my hand, nodding as if I have heard of all of these contemporary authors. I will pick up a book and open it to the middle to read a page, and then will not buy it because it is too confusing.

I resolve to be more organized. When I clean my room and push everything under the bed, I will hang a sheet over the side so that the pile is not immediately obvious. I will get a folder for each of my classes, and use them for more than just writing the name of the course on the cover in a fancy font. I will go through at least the top two inches of my Drawer of Doom, where I’ve been putting every assignment and miscellaneous documents for the past 2 years.

I resolve to do more things that make me happy. I will eat that extra brownie, join a random club, and re-read my favorite book for the 500th time. I will not feel guilty about anything that I enjoy, even if it means being in pajamas all day and not seeing the light of the sun while I finish a video game. I resolve to support everyone around me in doing the things they love, even if those things involve too much microwave popcorn and not enough textbooks.